Prudent Parenting

Ladies & Gentlemen:

I wonder if I might take a moment to chat a bit about public parenting.
There are a few subsets that this group of observations and comments might very well take and this, dear friends, is where I wish I had a MUCH bigger readership because I honestly don't think the parents that are - Oh, I do hate to use the word 'guilty' but - GUILTY of these thoughtless acts are doing these things with malice or forethought.

No, I truly believe it's due to ignorance and NO thought!

First - SAFETY
Now, I have nothing but the greatest respect for parents and the pressures and responsibilities they incur when they bring a child into the world, but if I see one more man or woman push a stroller off the sidewalk and out into oncoming traffic because they have no idea of their and/or their baby's personal space, I'M GONNA CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES!
Oftentimes this safety breach is encountered because the parent (or nanny) is busy talking on a cell phone (and, OH BOY, you just KNOW we're going get to those in an upcoming blog entry  - or ten)
But sometimes it's because the stroller-pusher just doesn't have the sense God gave a radish!

And please, I know all the information on how difficult it is to quit smoking. But this is a CHILD, people. The greatest gift on the planet bar NONE. You've got to KNOW it's killing you and YOU have the ability to choose for yourself....they don't.
Wouldn't you think a child's health and safety is worth a nicotine patch or two to insure their future health when you also know how many other things are out there just gunnin' for us! Things that we can't control?!

Also, these are little humans. They have all the wonder and curiosity in the world without the experience or common sense that you would think their parents could provide. PAY ATTENTION to them and keep them safe. Even if you're not "Smarter Than A Fifth Grader", my LORD, you've GOT to be smarter than a toddler!

Second - DISCIPLINE
Now I want to go on record by saying I love children. I am blessed enough to be a parent but I have never been responsible for raising a child on a day to day basis - again, nothing but the greatest respect for those who do - but here's the thing...
NObody loves your child or will ever love your child as much as you do. It's a fact.
But - and here is where it gets touchy - parents ALL have the tendency to become immune to their own child's screaming, yelling, crying, hitting, pooping, spitting up, drooling, etc. I think it's God's way of keeping us, as a species, from eating our young. Self preservation of sanity and the bloodlines.
HOWEVER, you have to remember that, in public, a different set of social mores MUST be adhered to to keep the social peace and to save your child.

If you travel with your child, if you go to a hotel with your child, if you bring your child to a mall or a restaurant, a theater or a family event, make sure first that it's an age appropriate venue.
Or - here's a SHOCKER - DON'T BRING THEM!
Children under a certain age SHOULD NOT be brought to the movies (especially anything racier than a G rating) or - heaven forbid - live theater just because you don't want to spring for a sitter. Yeah, I know live and filmed entertainment is expensive, but remember that everyone else attending paid for the experience as well and the misbehavior of your child basically flushes their investment down the potty.

Simply put, a hotel lobby is NOT a playground and should not be treated as such while you are at the front desk or talking to the concierge. Jae tells me that the number of people who ask him to watch their child while they run to the washroom or check the desk for messages is both astounding and appalling.

So, you've been invited to a wedding! How nice. Did the invitation mention you and a guest? You and your husband, wife or partner? Now....did it say anything about bringing your kid(s)? No?
THEN DON'T.
Children need constant supervision and oftentimes special, non adult, food that it is not your hosts' responsibility to provide. Please don't assume that because you have been graciously included in an event that you have carte blanche to bring tiny humans in tow. The polite things to do in these circumstances are those following - in descending order of preference.

• Send your regrets and best wishes for the special day WITHOUT mentioning anything that will allude to the reasons and guilt the hosts into reluctantly inviting the little ones.
• If you are close to the hosts and can find out in a gentle unassuming way if the festivities will be child friendly, find out that information and make your informed r.s.v.p. decision afterward. THEN INFORM YOUR HOSTS if you plan to bring anyone who was not specifically invited in plenty of time. A text or email is NOT appropriate.
• Make it clear to your hosts that if there is a ceremony involved in the event, that you would like your children to accompany you to witness it but you will, unfortunately, not be able to stay for any subsequently planned party or reception. Remember, it's your hosts' day and it is not designed to be marred by children who can't behave appropriately.

NEVER leave your little ones unattended or tolerate their misbehavior in public.
A child's misbehavior in public is rarely, if ever, the fault of the child. It is the responsibility of the adult to teach them how to behave.

With your indulgence, just in case anyone has missed the inherent import of that last line I'm going to repeat it all in caps.

A CHILD'S MISBEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC IS RARELY, IF EVER, THE FAULT OF THE CHILD. IT IS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE ADULT TO TEACH THEM HOW TO BEHAVE.

Now I know that there are a lot of variables to provide an argument for the above, but for the purposes of this forum, I'd rather err on the side of severity to make a point about the lack of attention paid to the problem these days. Children need to be educated about manners and deportment. It's for their own safety, your peace of mind and the well being of everyone around you and them.

I am not a supporter of corporal punishment of any kind.
That said, the opposite of spanking is NOT letting children get away with murder.
Those parents who decline to discipline their children so as not to damage their self esteem or their spirit, professing to fear crushing their creativity or some such idiocy are not doing their children any favors.
Children will never learn self discipline without role models or illustrations by adult example.
If they are allowed to run amok they learn nothing BUT running amok! It doesn't take a genius to figure that out, does it?

NEXT: The Big Finish

I'm going to say something that I never thought I'd have to say in my life...
Children are not accessories, status symbols or artifacts to display.
One needs to remember that, like so many things in life, what you will get out of the child-rearing experience is what you put into it.
If your child is gifted in one way or another, that's great! Your gifted child is not a club with which to beat other parents' or kids' self esteem into submission.

If child raising really was a competition, don't you think the production of a well mannered, confident, thoughtful and kind adult should be all the present you should want or deserve for a job well-done?

A few things to think about. Additions? Rebuttals? Feel free.

- SSG

Here in America, "Excuse me" means "Get the F@&K out of my way!"

Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to talk today about one of the difficulties of living in New York City. Although I can imagine that any city could have these same challenges, I have to base my thoughts and concerns upon my adopted hometown.
New York is a great city - some say the greatest - and when you live in a great city you have to deal with people coming to visit. These visitors are called Tourists. Much in the same way that the "visitors" in biblical times were called Locusts or Flies or Frogs.
Now, don't get me wrong. I have never been a xenophobe and I've always enjoyed being a host. I enjoy other cultures and other peoples' charming traits. I know that tourism is a big money maker for this city and I, myself, enjoy touring other folks' hometowns. Not only that, but I understand that ALL tourists are not guilty of the terrible and rude things that I will lay out in the paragraphs to come and that the few are giving the many a sullied reputation.

HOWEVER...When I go to someone's home I will do my best to be on my best behavior, learn as much about my surroundings and their customs so as not to A) make a spectacle of myself, B) make my hosts go out of their way to accommodate me, or C) make myself into a royal pain in the @ss.

For some strange reason I seem to notice, more and more, The Ugly American as well as The Uglier European being selfish, thoughtless and rude when they visit New York City - our home.

Jae and I used to live smack dab in the middle of the Broadway district here. Our building was between 7th and 8th Avenues on 45th Street. No, you won't be able to stalk us using that information - the building has since been torn down to be replaced by a beautiful....um...empty lot.
But, before we moved, the building had a set of stairs - a stoop, if you will - leading up to the front door.
I cannot tell you how many times I would be coming home from work or errands, loaded down with bags or boxes and get to my stoop and see half a dozen or more people sitting on my stairs and blocking my way to my front door and oftentimes strewing their cups, bags and other litter there as well!
And if that's not bad enough, being the polite fellow that I am, I would say, "Excuse me." hoping they would get the hint. But NOOOOOOOOOO. When I would say, "Excuse me." these people would try to NOT make eye-contact - AS IF I WERE A PANHANDLER asking for change!!!
Now, I'm not one to usually go from zero to @ssh*le in three seconds flat but this is totally beyond the pale and where the title of today's blog installment was born.

I don't know. Would you show up to someones home - say in one of New York's outlying boroughs or suburbs or any of the lovely European, Japanese or South American towns - and just spread out on their front porch or lawn?! I think not. That's why I continue to address you, my readers, as "Ladies & Gentlemen"!

- SSG

Please tell me of your experiences and give me suggestions for future installments. This is your forum too, you know!

A Reprint, If You Don't Mind

Ladies & Gentlemen,
I hope you will indulge me while I reprint the blog entry that started this particular blogstream.
It appeared in Daddy's Home, my blog on homekeeping, repairs, design, etc.

Enjoy!

(All Too Un)Common Courtesy - Redux 

Friendly followers and readers,
Would it be okay for me to rant a bit here on my blog?
It's actually a polite courtesy for me to ask you because, frankly, I'm gonna do it anyway 'cause it's my blog and I REALLY need the outlet at the moment.

I know that writing about manners has the potential of being boring and tedious for the reader but maybe some random reader will tune in and finally tell someone they know about the points I make here.
OBVIOUSLY, none of my current readers and followers fall into these categories because they are personages of extraordinary taste and breeding who would never be rude in public or private, but we can't always choose our friends and acquaintances by the standards we hold ourselves to, now can we?

My husband and I were at one of the finer movie theaters in New York a couple of nights ago to see the filmed version of the Broadway musical Memphis. It's a show we truly loved in the theatre and we thought it would be great to see it again.

We were surprised that there was not a larger crowd but were happy that we were able to get our favorite seats - the first row of the upper level with no visual obstructions to the screen. We sat down ready to enjoy this wonderful opportunity together and throughout the previews of coming attractions the two...um...boys sitting next to us were holding an animated conversation which didn't seem as if it would abate when the show came time to begin. BIG surprise, they talked to one another and the other two boys they were with throughout the entire opening number barely, it seemed, to come up for air.

I tried. God knows I tried to ignore the talking but, to tell the truth, we got the feeling that they were in some way part of that generation whose parents have never taught there children any manners, respect or the etiquette involved in actually leaving the house on any given day and becoming a productive, non-self-centered member of society as a whole.

And, no. It is NOT my job to educate these young people (OY, I feel so old when I say that!) but it IS my right, after paying for a ticket to a performance of any kind, to enjoy said performance without having to winnow through extra dialogue that wasn't in the original script of the production and is merely being added by the amateurs NEXT TO ME IN THE AUDIENCE.

In the spirit of full disclosure I might add that some small part of me does enjoy the confrontational moment when I choose to demand my rights in these situations and, truth be told, it embarrasses the living heck out of Jae, but a gentleman's got to do what a gentleman's got to do and being a gentleman....I did it.

I was not rude. No. I just rose from my seat, leaned over, and in a low but firm voice said,

"This is NOT your living room."

To which I got the curt reply,

"There's a whole theater full of seats."

Not one to let my point be misunderstood, I said (with a sharp poke of my thumb in the direction of the lobby,

"Yes, I know. And talking is to be done OUTside."

Whereupon - what are the odds? - their conversations stopped.

Now whether it was because they were scared of the two hundred fifty pound man with the shaved head, goatee and tattoos who was, at the very least, twice their age and strength, or it was because they had somehow learned a little something about theater etiquette.....honestly I don't know.

But that evening, the Ziegfeld Theater was a better place for the silence of the audience except for their reactions to the show we had all come - and paid - to see.

My point, of course, is for us all to think about the fact that pubic places are not designed for the behavior that we use in private situations and that no one should consider themselves more or less entitled than anyone else in any social situation.

My concern is, if course, that current society has become overrun with the entitlement issues of class, wealth and hard work without any of the class, wealth and hard work being achieved first.

WOW, I feel a bit better. Thanks for allowing my rant.

Anything to add? Comments? Please, feel free.

Time After Time - Late Again?

Well, well, well...it's time for the first official rant ...um...entry dealing with what's missing in the deportment of the modern culture, urban or otherwise.

There are a lot of things that tend to irk me - okay, let's just admit the truth, I'm a picayune and nasty human being! But I try to start in my own proverbial backyard, changing what bad habits I acquire to better traits of which I can be more proud. I would never complain or insist that other folks be more responsible than I am willing to be myself

I have the seemingly odd and unpopular opinion that being on time for appointments is important - actually not just important but imperative.
The missing of an appointment without a personal acknowledgement - unheard of.
Along with this need and compulsion goes the feeling of insult and personal slight when someone thinks so little of me or whatever relationship I share with the latecomer.

Why on earth would someone think so little of themselves or the importance of friendships, family or work relationships? I would imagine that if I can get somewhere on time it should be considered a compliment to whomever I am meeting - if at my age I can get places on time (frankly I'm always early) I'm always amazed that others can't put in the same effort to the same effect.

So, the moral of this little diatribe is this, even if you can't manage to change your own lifestyles enough to be courteous and timely, how about teaching your children this well received habit?
It will stand them in good stead for the rest of their lives.

It's easy. Just leave earlier. Take responsibility. Get a move-on!

- SSG

In Honor Of National Etiquette Week

SO sorry I'm late.

Now, wasn't that polite? It should be. It's National Etiquette Week. Actually, it's Thursday of National Etiquette Week and I am a little late in starting this blog.

At the beginning of this year I made a decision - not a resolution, mind you - but a decision to be a bit more positive in my everyday life. However - and you KNEW there was going to be a however - the things that I can control are obviously a lot easier to be positive about than those many, many things that are out of my control. SO, for those things that are out of my hands, I have......THIS BLOG!
Now my husband and I spend a good deal of time ruminating about and bemoaning the lack of courtesy, manners and etiquette exhibited by the lion's share of our society these days. Jae has bought and read dozens upon dozens of books on the matter ranging from volumes from the 1800's to the present day and believe it or not their messages all boil down to one thing. Paying attention to what's going on around you and making others feel comfortable.

Look, I am the first one to say that I am not necessarily any smarter than anyone else. I am DEFINITELY not any nicer than most people. I just tend to be conscious about the world around me and care about the feelings of those with whom I share the world.  And I don't think manners should be used to put anyone "in their place" in any way.
No. The whole idea behind manners is to make everyone around you more comfortable with any given situation.

In this day and time between personal technology, things getting faster and closer and more easily accessible makes the situation bad to begin with. Add to that the fact that an entire generation of children who were never taught how to live politely in society are now HAVING children who will apparently not be taught any better habits and it starts to be obvious why I tend to weep for the future.

So I'm going to do my best to write about this subject with as much levity as I can muster without making light of the fact that any message I might bring is WAY overdue.......in my humble opinion.
As the weeks progress I will relate my concerns and observations and I would love to have your comments or suggestions as we explore this subject together.