Oh, Excuse Me, Was My Eye In The Way Of Your Umbrella?!

My Dearest Ladies & Gentlemen,

I've got a wonderful idea! Let's take a walk here in the city.
Be careful though, the idiots are out in force.

I know. I sound a bit harsh. But, frankly, it's a difficult thing to deal with.
One might not think that merely being a pedestrian would put one's life and limb in mortal danger but there it is! A daily occurrence here in NYC.

Yes, we have amazing and beautiful architecture here in our fair city. We are very proud of it  - but we DON'T stop dead in the middle of a crowded and fast-moving sidewalk to stare upwards like a stupid turkey in the rain unless you would like to share that turkey's dismal fate.

Just so you know, We understand that you are on vacation.

But this is NOT Disneyworld. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO LIVE AND WORK HERE!!!

Of course, one of New York's biggest draws is the "hustle and bustle" that we are so famous for but what would you think was going to happen if you and your group just stopped on a dime with no warning in, say, a river while whitewater rafting? Yup. That's what happens on the mean streets of New York.

In my less patient days I ponder getting myself a t-shirt (or Times Square billboard) that says,

"Welcome To New York....NOW GO HOME!"

And as awful as that stopping with no thought to others is, there are far worse things going on, believe you me!

For example:

• Paying absolutely NO attention to the eye sockets you endanger when you put up your umbrella. And what is it with these GARGANTUAN GOLF UMBRELLAS on city streets?! I could understand it slightly more if you were "car-pooling" your rain gear but for one person to have an umbrella the size of the Goodyear blimp is ridiculous. And, BTW, if you're walking under scaffolding a situation that is very prevalent here - TAKE IT DOWN, you fool.

• How about a generally more intelligent rule about cell phone usage on the sidewalk? Either DON'T, or STEP ASIDE! You have got to know that you're not that good at multi-tasking and the chances are better than not that your ability to pay attention to your fellow pedestrians is compromised when you have a phone glued to your skull.

• If you've got twins - God love you and your progeny - DON'T come into the city with a side-by-side stroller and make people just trying to get to work run an obstacle course. There are strollers that are situated one in front of the other....think about it.

• Consider the local customs. A flashing red hand on the walking signal DOES NOT MEAN STOP. It means you only have a certain amount of time to get across safely. Don't make residents late because you don't have traffic lights back home in Bugtussle, USA.

• There is only one group of people for whom I will cut any slack for walking on the left side of the sidewalk - and even them, not so much - the Brits. They drive on "the wrong side" of the road but, as visitors, they usually walk on the right. What is the problem with the rest of you? C'mon, pay attention!

• We get it. We really do. You've come here intent upon seeing, feeling, smelling, tasting everything. And that's great - but just remember that all the people who help you to do those things - the concierges, restaurant waitpeople, cabbies, etc are NOT here at your beck and call and are definitely not to be thought of as slave labor. These people are here to do their jobs, feed themselves and their families, pay their rent and their taxes - all in one of the most expensive cities in the world. TIP THEM. TIP THEM HANDSOMELY. Keep in mind how much you were looking forward to your trip here and how much they helped to make your stay better. SAY THANK YOU. Smile. Remember that there is a specific ring of hell reserved for those who mistreat service people. And you know who makes those reservations for you?! The CONCIERGE! Tip now or pay later...that's all I'm sayin!

• And to the dear sweet old "bridge and tunnel" ladies who come here into Midtown for the Wednesday matinee and seem to always need to walk four to six abreast at the speed of molasses in January in the middle of what, for the rest of the city, is a workday afternoon I say (and have actually said at the top of my lungs - risking many a myocardial infarction),  

 "RED ROVER, RED ROVER, LET THE WHOLE REST OF THE BLOODY WORLD COME OVER!!!!!"

Next up, my dear readers, with your kind permission, will begin my diatribe discussion of cell phone usage. And, oh MY that's going to take a lot of control on my behalf to keep myself calm enough not to set my trusty laptop on fire!

Soon,

- SSG